A 21st Century Manifesto For Parenting
by John Breeding, Ph.D.
Sin City No More? Why Las Vegas is the face of America's future.
--Cover, US News & World Report, June 11, 2001We were reasonably successful in freeing ourselves from the four besetting evils of a competitive, industrialized social pattern: from greed for things (including money and gadgets) and from power to push around our fellow human beings; from the hurry and noise connected with the drive to get ahead of other people; from the anxiety and fear which are inevitable accompaniments of the struggle for wealth and power; from the multiplicity, complexity, and frustrating confusion which result from the crowding of multitudes of people into small areas. --Scott Nearing, 1972. The Making of a Radical, p. 214.
Scott Nearing was a man, born in 1883, who devoted his life to challenging the destruction caused by Western Civilization and its attendant primary value on profit for a few via systematic inculcation of competitive, acquisitive and consumptive attitudes. Scott and his wife, Helen, also observed in their lifetime that the American urban and suburban family had virtually disappeared as a social unit and a social force. With everybody busily working in the system, and children turned over to the forces of compulsory education, the rhythms, routines and regularities of home living have become much less significant in childrenÕs lives.
I agree with the Nearings that Western Civilization, with its clear and consistent emphasis on militarism, competition, industrialism, materialism, and profit for the few at the expense of the many is costing us all. Clearly it is hurting our children. If health is an indicator of the quality of an individualÕs relationship with its environment, then increases in chronic illnesses in children clearly reflect our society's failure. If literacy and psychological well-being are indicators of the quality of childrenÕs development, then growing numbers of illiterate, "learning-disabled" and otherwise "psychiatrically afflicted" children clearly show the failure of our civilization. If relaxed confidence, trust and safety are indicators of the quality of a child's development, then we are failing many. If fraud and deceit, and drugs and violence and imprisonment of adults are indicators of failed character development, then the way we raise young people in Western Civilization is a disaster.
It seems to me that a definitive indicator of the quality of a civilization is in the care of its young. Since mothers do the most care of children, a rational civilization must, by any measure, value mothers over militarism. Since the care of children depends on available caring fathers, a rational civilization must value the health and well-being of its men over militarist expansion and corporate profits. These two values are not and never have been true of Western Civilization.
Since the care of children depends on adequate availability of basic needs, the financial well-being of working families must always be a priority over excess wealth of the few and excess military might; this, too is not and never has been true of Western Civilization. What is true is the reality of what I call parental oppression, a state of hardship due to systematic neglect and mistreatment of parents and families for the sake of the power and greed inherent in an exploitative approach to people and the world. Parenting is always a difficult challenge, but it is especially hard because of the lack of real support in our society, and because of the deleterious effects on community, in the form of alienation and separation, which were wrought by the priorities of militarist, industrialist, capitalist civilization. So parenting is hard not because parents are doing a bad job; in fact, parents are doing heroically well under the circumstances. As an example of this, we may for the first time have a small, but significant cohort of young people who are being raised with an attitude of complete respect from their parents. This is a wonderful and remarkable thing. Nevertheless, the decline of Western Civilization as we know it may be seen in the tremendous stress and neglect from which so many of our children are suffering. Denying such effect only supports its perpetuation. Facing it allows for the possibility of real help for our children, in the form of everyday heroic action by parents. Hence, the following manifesto.
A 21st Century manifesto for Parents
I recognize that our society is seriously disturbed and dangerous to the well-being of my family and my children in many ways. I recognize that our society has institutionalized many obviously harmful practices as acceptable tradeoffs for the perpetuation of the status values of Western civilization. This is not acceptable to me. Therefore, I vow to keep my eyes open, to educate myself, and to provide protection for my children to the best of my ability against the most grievous harms, some of which include the following.
I will provide protection against:
- unnecessary
prenatal trauma. We have now verified scientifically what aware
mothers have always knownÑthat babies are enormously affected by their
prenatal experience. It is the responsibility of parents to see that
mothers are well-nourished and protected from all forms of stress
overload. It would do well to remember that some cultures actually use
the prenatal time to contact the soul which is incarnating in the baby
to find out its purpose for this life. Taken literally or
metaphorically, this is a wonderful reminder of the perennial spiritual
wisdom, reflected in the immortal words of Kahlil Gibran, that Òyour
children are not your children.Ó We parents are the protectors and
guardians of an awesome being during its years of physical and
psychological development. What a glorious task!
- unnecessary
birth trauma. We also know that the birth experience is a most
powerful determinant of well-being. While much has been done to reclaim
this natural process from mid-20th century extremes of medical
technological control, it remains true that many mothers and babies are
unduly hurt by unnecessary drugs, use of force, and other harmful
birthing practices. It is the responsibility of parents to ensure as
natural and benign a birthing experience as possible. This includes
protecting against separation which can disrupt the bonding of mother
and infant.
- the trauma of
circumcision. This harmful, cruel and unnecessary relic, justified
by cultural, religious and pseudo-scientific superstition, should be
avoided.
- the trauma of
in-arms deprivation. In-arms deprivation is a term coined by Jean
Liedloff to characterized the effects of a very specific unmet need, the
need to be carried in arms, to be held virtually all the time in the
first six months of life. Many older children and adults suffer anxiety
and irrational dependency because of this unmet need from infancy.
Alternatively, many are somewhat detached and shut down, and don't even
think they need physical touch and affection. What a gift for parents
and children to delight in close touch and affection all the years of
their lives!
- the trauma of
unnecessary immunizations. Vaccine proponents are recommending more
and more immunizations, including vaccines for diseases not particularly
dangerous for children (e.g., chicken pox) or for which children are not
generally at risk (e.g., hepatitis B). Furthermore, governments are
pushing for more coercion in this area. Much is known about the dangers
of various vaccines. Parents should be completely educated on this
subject before making decisions affecting their childrenÕs lives. Those
who decide some immunization is good should be especially well-informed
about the vaccines they elect to have administered to their children and
should be able to discern reactions. All children should be protected
from postpartum immunization, and extremely wary about immunizations
during infancy.
- the trauma of
toxic and unhealthy foods. America's food industry is a callous and
mercenary exploiter of children; the horrible effects of massive intake
of processed foods, sugar and toxic substances on our children are
enormous. Parents must resist this damaging influence and do everything
they can to see that our children are well-nourished. At the least, this
means restriction of sugar (in all its disguises), chemical additives
and preservatives, fast foods and processed foods. For many, perhaps
most children, this also means restriction of dairy and, for some, of
other common allergy foods such as wheat and corn. This also means
restriction of fast foods and processed foods, and reliance on fresh,
whole foods, preferably organic. Plenty of water is essential, as is
adequate intake of the essential fatty acids.
- the trauma of
separation from nature. What a great tragedy it is to deprive a
child the experience of hours in the natural world of earth and sky,
grasses, flowers, bushes, trees, water, bugs, birds and animals of all
kinds. It is so much more important that children play with dirt than
Gameboys.
- the trauma of
TV and video. The average American child watches hours of electronic
media every day. The deleterious effects of such practice are enormous,
directly in effects on central nervous system function and programming
of consciousness, indirectly in the sacrifice of time spent in more
wholesome activities.
- the trauma of
computers. Conscious professionals are now challenging the
unconscious assumption that this technology is good for young children.
A useful guideline is to protect preschoolers from all involvement, to
preclude use until children are fluent in reading and cursive writing,
and to limit elementary age children to 1/2 hour per day.
- the trauma of a
sedentary lifestyle. Movement, activity, physical play and exercise
- these are essential to the healthy development of a child's body and
mind.
- the trauma of
compulsive busyness. Fast (and furious) may be the trend of modern
western civilization, but it is not healthy. Our children need lots of
relaxed down time to be with themselves and with friends and family -
not to be constantly entertained and stimulated, but to discover
themselves and the world, sand to create and produce their own
initiatives. A related problem is the tendency to deny children
necessary experience and opportunities to learn and contribute because
it is easier and quicker to do it ourselves. Parents must take the time
to let children help, even if the dishes take two hours instead of the
10 minutes in which you could get it done. Finally, my own and others'
observation is that 90% of punishment incidents take place because of
time pressure. Do yourselves and your children a favor by arranging life
as much as possible at a slower pace.
- the trauma of
sleep deprivation. A large percentage of Americans, including our
children, are sleep deprived. Parents must protect children from being
forced to accommodate to adult needs and schedules. Likewise, parent
must resist the lure of permissiveness as a justification to avoid the
need to set healthy limits for a child. Rhythm, routine and regularity
are keys for a well-ordered life, and especially for a safe, relaxed,
healthy environment in which a child can develop. The greatest effect
that parents have on their children is not in the direct interventions,
but in the indirect effects promoted by creating a family life that is a
safe haven, a rich relational world, and a healthy influence ordered to
meet the basic needs of children.
- the trauma of
adultism. Adultism refers to the systematic mistreatment of young
people simply because they are young. The key indicator is disrespect.
One of the best ways for adults to assess whether they are perpetrating
adultism on a young person is to ask themselves whether they would say
the same thing in the same tone of voice to another adult that they just
said to a young person. It is crucially important for parents to
challenge adultism because the effects of this oppression (hurt, fear,
shame, and the internalized pattern of disrespect) are exactly the
reason why other forms of oppression (eg., racism, sexism, gay
oppression) are allowed. Without being systematically hurt and
psychologically conditioned to be mean and disrespectful, adults would
not stand for the mistreatment of themselves or others.
- the trauma of
emotional suppression. This one is enormously important, a meta-key
of protection. Humans are incredibly intelligent and relational by
nature, but when physically or emotionally hurt, the resultant distress
causes us to appear less so. As parents we must protect our children
from interference with the natural healing mechanism of emotional
expression. Society at large and too many parents still confuse the hurt
(eg., loss of a toy) with the emotional discharge or release of the
hurt, in this case by crying or tantruming. Some parents try to teach
their children that crying does no good since no action is accomplished,
and may even shame a child for crying. The truth is that even
well-intentioned efforts to soothe or distract the child from crying,
while perhaps successful and even necessary at times of stress as a
temporary diversion, does harm in the long run. Our children recover
from hurt and loss by crying, frustration and insult by tantruming or
storming, and frightful experiences by shaking, trembling and sweating.
The job of parents is to stay close and help them with their hard
feelings. An added value is the blessing knowledge that they do not have
to go through the hard stuff alone.
- the trauma of
condescension. This is related to adultism, but specific to the
common degrading and debilitating practice of treating children as
cutely inadequate, and minimizing or underestimating their enormous
intelligence. Adults tend to confuse lack of information and experience
with lack of intelligence. To patronize children is an enormous insult.
To deny them excellent information about how the world works is a great
disservice that sets them up for unnecessary harm and failure.
Similarly, to deny them the opportunity to be useful. Parents must
ensure that children get regular opportunities to make real, meaningful
contributions to family life.
- against the
trauma of chronic hopelessness. A huge pattern of many adults in our
society is chronic hopelessness or apathy. This is a persistent feeling
that things are hopeless, that one cannot make a difference, that it is
useless to try. Excitement and enthusiasm, like passionate outrage are
seen as the stuff of na•ve childhood, or perhaps as possibilities for
remarkable others, but not myself. While the world is indeed in rough
shape in many ways, the feeling of chronic hopelessness is nothing but a
mental and emotional distress recording left over from early experiences
of being hurt without help or recourse to healing. It is vital that
parents challenge this pattern in themselves in order to convey a more
realistic and healthy attitude to their children. Diane Shisk, an
international leader in the Re-evaluation Counseling Community,
recommends that the following message be frequently conveyed to our
children: ÒThere are many problems to be solved. Many people are hurt
and unable to treat each other well. But many people are thinking about
what should be done to fix things and are joining together to make
things right. We will be able to set everything right, and you will be
able to help us.Ó
- against the
trauma of competition. This is another meta-key and a reason that
primary values of western civilization are doomed to failure. The truth
is, substantiated by considerable research, that we do better on all
levels (including learning, performance and productivity) with a spirit
and practice of cooperation. We need to model and support our children
to take delight in and celebrate others' successes, and accept and
understand the value and necessity of making mistakes.
- against the
trauma of militarism. Our society invests a predominant amount of
its available resources in war-making endeavors, sacrificing the real
human needs of its people even in times of apparent peace. The
propaganda and practices emphasizing violence as the penultimate
solution to lifeÕs challenges and conflicts can be overwhelming.
Conscious parenting must be thoughtful and persistent in contradicting
such conditioning to violence, and providing young people the
information and attitudes necessary to contribute toward a world without
war. The rapidly growing prison industry is a related place where more
and more lives of our youth are sacrificed; this institution of chronic
hopelessness and retributive justice must also be challenged.
- the trauma of
unnecessary medical interventions. Iatrogenic (medically induced)
illness is almost a household term today. Examples include problems
caused by medicalized birth, unnecessary antibiotic use, unnecessary
suppression of fever, and vaccine reactions. The common cycle of
antibiotic use and tubes for the inner ear for recurrent ear infections,
when elimination of dairy would solve the problem in most instances, is
another good example.
- the trauma of
all psychiatric drugs. It is a national shame and disgrace that an
estimated 8,000,000 school-age children in the United States are on
toxic psychiatric drugs, all for alleged illnesses that are
scientifically unproven. This is a social and medical scandal that
should disabuse all conscious parents of any remaining illusion that it
is safe to blindly trust your medical or educational authorities.
- against the
trauma of compulsory factory schooling. Everyone should read the
work of John Taylor Gatto, who is the most informed, thorough and
eloquent writer on the subject of education today, to learn about the
enormous problems of our compulsory education system. His advice to
parents, after 30 years of public school teaching and twice New York
State teacher of the year, is as follows: "Breaking the hold of fear on
your life is the necessary first step. If you can keep your kid out of
any part of the school sequence at all, keep him or her out of
kindergarten, then first, then second, and maybe third grade.
Home-school them at least that far through the zone where most of the
damage is done. If you can manage that, theyÕll be OK." (The Underground
History Of American Education, p. 383) If you canÕt do that, I have two
pieces of advice. First, stay close to your children, be their vigorous
ally, and let them know that you and they together will figure things
out and have great success. Second, protect them against taking on shame
from the inevitable experiences that something is wrong when the schools
whose imposed schedule and structure inevitably and routinely violates
the self-directed learning tendencies and styles of your children. Let
them know, at whatever level they are capable of, depending on their
age, that when this happens it is not because they are wrong or
inadequate or defective, but that the schools have some problems, and
that you and they can figure out how to handle it in a way that will
work for your children. Whatever happens, donÕt let the spirit of your
child be crushed by debilitating shame.
- the trauma of
illiteracy and labels such as learning disabled (LD) and attention
deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). It is an ongoing tragedy that
the literacy rate of Americans has systematically declined with
increased governmental funding and control of education. The truth is
that learning to read is not a great mystery. The average 5-year-old can
master all of the 70 phonograms for reading in six weeks, and is then
able to read just about anything. Understanding, of course, comes later.
There are methods available to help children who missed the so-called
pre-reading skills. It is regrettable that the schools are not doing the
job. Even more regrettable is that they blame the children, label them
as defective, remove them from their peers, and give them drugs. Parents
must protect children from such assault, and make sure that their
children get the support necessary to learn to read and to grow up
without stigmatization and an identity as defective.
- against the
trauma of a flawed view of human nature. The harmful practices of
our civilization which this manifesto encourages parents to resist are
rooted in a grievous misunderstanding of human nature. The schools are
designed on the assumption that there are dumb children, and that
children are like empty machines needing to be programmed and filled.
Punitive or shame-based or controlling child-rearing practices are
legacies of a Judeo-Christian view of fallen, sinful human nature. Our
greedy, profit-driven, militarist, consumerist culture is based on a
view of human nature without soul or spirit. Psychiatry is based on a
worldview which reduces human beings and human experience to biology and
chemistry. All of this is motivated by fear that flawed human nature
will win out, or that we will be eaten before we can eat. I believe the
truth is that human nature, at its deepest, is benign and wonderful,
that we are inherently intelligent, resourceful, zestful, affectionate
and relational. By protecting our children form harm and cynicism, by
giving them accurate information at the level they can comprehend, and
by allowing and encouraging them to express the pain associated with the
hurts they do suffer, this true nature will blossom. Perhaps the
greatest gifts we can give to our children are to see them through the
eyes of delight, and to be with them in an attitude of relaxed
confidence that they, with our abiding love and support, are turning out
very well.
- the trauma of a parent unwilling to face their own traumas. Perhaps the most fundamental law of parenting is that we are forced to face the places where it is hard for us to remain thoughtful and loving about our children. The fact is that parents have to choose, again and again, between personal transformation, on the one hand, and suppressing our children, on the other. The only reason we punish or reject our children is because pain associated with our own past traumas is upon us and we are unable or unwilling to face ourselves and take personal responsibility for our state of mind. There are no bad or disgusting or hopeless children, only children who are having a hard time and need good attention and support. Giving this to them requires facing our own stuff, and sometimes getting help for ourselves, in order to come back into a thoughtful place about our children. The alternative is to shut them down so we are not uncomfortable. A commitment to the attitudes embodied in this manifesto means something like this:
I will not blame my children for how I feel. I take full responsibility for my actions and my state of mind. I am willing to change and continue growing up all the days of my parenting life. I recognize that our society is seriously disturbed and dangerous to the well-being of my children and my family in many ways. I also recognize, however, the glorious true nature of my self and my children; therefore, I have complete confidence that my children will turn out well. I promise to remain close and affectionate with my children all the days of our lives.
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